If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
