I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
