dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
MIDGETS
????
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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