I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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