Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
ok first of all what the fuck
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
