party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
