it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
