My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
