I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
