Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
