one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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