I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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