Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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