remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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