you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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