im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
