So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
