Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
