Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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