I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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