You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
