when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
