so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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