The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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