HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
