You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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