she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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