so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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