I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
should my penis look like a turkey
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
