I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
