She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You're like the curious george of whores
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
