Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
