In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i think my tv is drunk
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
