Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
