My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
