I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
