Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
