This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
she smelled like a LAN party
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
