I showed him my bush... on skype.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
