did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
