remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
