i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
don't judge my taste in strippers
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
