people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
