I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
