I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
