can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
