he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
