just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
