I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
