Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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