I'm jealous of your bromance
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
